The Most Talented Man in the World

I had a friend once who traveled extensively in China. On one of his many journeys he met who he claims was the most talented man in the world. If you are a little squeamish or under the age of 18 please do not continue reading.

The story goes something like this. My friend (we will call him “Pablo” for the purpose of protecting the innocent) is in the coastal city of Qingdao sightseeing. He decides to brush up on his Chinese Naval history in a few minutes so visits the Chinese Naval Museum. While strolling through the displays Pablo gets the call of nature, the squatting kind. So he borrows some toilet paper and dashes off to the men’s troughs. Let me stop here for a moment to describe the restroom.

A small room with two troughs cut down the middle. No privacy walls, no toilets, no water. Lots of stink and lots of flys. Basically when you get the call of nature in this baby everybody in the place knows your business if you get my drift.

Well Pablo comes back after five minutes and exclaims that he just saw the most talented man in the world. “Explain” his compatriots say. He then proceeds to describe the scene in the “restroom”.

I get into the room and I see a guy squatting. He was hung like a bear. The other travelers at this point get somewhat worried and ask not to hear the rest of the story. But Pablo continues, “this well endowed squatter is urinating”. “Ok” the friends reply. “Yea but he is defecating too, I could see it all at the same time” Pablo exclaims. Ok reply the worried friends. Pablo continues “but this squatter is talking on the phone”. “OKAY!” “Yea but he is reading a newspaper at exactly the same time too”. At this point the friends start to realize that Pablo may be right but Pablo keeps talking “he was puffing on a cigarette all at the same time”. “Five things all at the exact same time.”

That kind of skill only comes with practice.


C.O. Jones

Greatest Invention of the 20th century

I have heard some say that the greatest invention of the 20th century was the thermos. A thermos keeps cold things cold and hot things hot. How do they know how to do that? Well in keeping with that logic lets talk about Male Enhancement Cream. How the heck does that stuff know which part of the body to enhance? Why don’t the fingers and hands that apply the cream to other parts of the body grow as well? If you drop a little on your big toe does it swell up? Can vertically challenged folks rub it all over their legs to gain “four inches instantly”. Can doctors use it for sufferers of Anorexia nervosa because the stuff works on girth as well, right? Why don’t ladies who aren’t so well endowed in the pectoral region rub the stuff on and bam, vavavavooom. Or how about the 90 lbs weakling who rubs the stuff on his biceps, instant Ahhnald. But due to some legalese and threats by the medical "establishment" we can't use the stuff for anything other than well......male enhancement. But thats kinda like trying to sell size small condoms. Who buys those without a bag on their head. Anyways great stuff from what I hear (I hear great! I have big ears I accidently swatted a fly on my ear while applying some medicine). Have a great day. Remember a little dab will do ya!

C.O. Jones

Six Party Talks Dec 06

I once had a boss who insisted that it was a scientific fact that if four or more men got together to talk, within five minutes the conversation would turn to one of three topics; women, booze or bodily functions. I can assure you that yours truly, C.O. Jones has tested that hypotheses on an occasion or two. I found that it is accurate 99% of the time, the other one percent of the time one or more of the four men’s wives were within ear shot so I couldn’t accurately test the theory.

So what the heck does that have to do with the Six Party talks in Beijing to solve the North Korean Nuclear issue? Based on the above mentioned theory the talks will fail to accomplish the desired result, that is North Korea will abandon its nuclear program. Let me explain.

There are more than four men together to talk about something?
They have talked more than five minutes.
They are in the most populous country in the world. So you know there is a lot of “you know what” going on there. (WOMEN)
It’s friggin cold there, the men don’t have their wives with them, there is a lot of “you know what going on soooo they are drinkin. (BOOZE)
There is a lot of “you know what” goin on, they are drinkin, they are eating a lot of strange food with pencils. You know the bodily functions ain’t workin like clock work if ya know what I mean. In China they have the hardest damm squatting toilets in the world, and half the time there aint no paper in the bath room. These guys are talking about the size of the well……turds in the bunch bowl to be honest. (BODILY FUNCTIONS)
Their wives are not within earshot.

So this group of diplomats are off in Beijing spending other peoples money to solve a big problem and all they end up doing is a bunch of goofing off.

Trust me the theory will work in this case. The talks will be a failure, bank on it.

Oh yea I almost forgot, the North Koreans are liars. I heard one of them say he had a “double wrapper in the bowl last night.” You know that ain’t possible.

C.O.Jones